Story of Now

  Letting go of the me I say I am so God can show me the me he sees. Letting go of who I was before so God will reveal who I am now. Inching my way toward knowing. Inching my way to understand. I feel a new path being paved. Though my body screams with anxiety, I push on. I push on to see the me that God sees.

  Dear Daughter -   I hope you chase your dreams Like you chase birds. With passion, determination, creativity and tenacity. You go get em!   Love, Mom

I breathe you in.  I hold you in the space of my chest.   My eyes get teary.  My heart jumps.  I smile.    This is how I want to remember the early years.  The smell of you and the way you need me.  The feeling of holding your tiny babyness so close. The way we just melt together. The privilege of watching you grow with baby steps and giant leaps.  The overwhelming gratefulness I feel that God chose me to be your mother.

This morning I took a walk up our hill, partly because the glistening sun was calling me and partly in hopes it would help baby girl make her arrival. I walked for awhile and then when I realized I couldn't bend in the way I needed to for a photo, I sat down in the field.  From there I was quiet. Everything was quiet. I looked around and noticed the beauty in just being still. I realized how beautiful tree fungus really was with all of it's pods and bubbles. Sunshine.  Blue sky and clouds.  Everything with it's purpose.  Questions without answers.  Letting go.  Accepting. I am grateful for moments to just be still.   Here is a song that I have recently fallen in love with. It feels so good to listen to. "Let's be still" by The Head and the Heart https://youtu.be/-rKpmzRdWrs      

I often ponder things that seem to have a theme.  One thing is when someone says " I am not artistic/creative" or "I wish I was artistic/creative ".  These statements project that one needs to be good to be artistic and I don't believe that to be true.  Today I was crabby for no good reason and I tried to snap out of it and it just kept returning and I realized I was missing something: creative time. I think the biggest difference between someone who identifies themselves as an artist and one who doesn't is the need to create.  Much like someone who has the need to be physically active (running, playing tennis, etc), an artist needs to create to feel balanced and whole.  An artist will create to fill the need but the final product matters less than the journey to there.  A person who does not think of themselves as artistic only has the final product in mind not the journey. Thoughts?

My 4 year old comes up with her own hairstyles,  one braid and one pigtail is something she chooses often.  So, one day we went to ecfe and she had one pigtail and one braid and two different shoes.  I don't try to talk her out of these things.   I make sure she is wearing appropriate clothing but beyond that,  it's pretty much open.  When we got to ecfe, some other mothers were asking if it was opposite day and giggling .  My 4 year old,  kind of shyly hugged me and I just said "this is just her style."  And it is.   I want her to feel proud of who she is and not feel like she has to fit a mold.  I realize it's hard for us, me included, to accept different without reason.   There must be a reason her shoes don't match, not that it was a conscious choice.  This is filtered into so much of what we accept as a society.   As for now, my daughter payed no real attention to the questioning.  My hop...

Dear Daughter(s)-   Though there will surely be times in your life when things seem glum, I hope the child-like feelings of being free and happy in your very real imaginary land carry you through. May your resilience be your strength, and knowing deep within be your wings.   Love, Mom

Autumn is my favorite season. The colors, jeans and sweatshirt weather, bonfires, comfort food, the smell of the air, the way the sun shines, crunching through the leaves, even the anticipation of the coming holidays. I wish it could last for half a year. But it doesn't.   So, the next best thing to having it actually last that long is to live it and capture it.   I love to capture the beauty up close. Seeing the symmetrical and asymmetrical, the lines and curves, the gradient of color, the way every little detail makes the whole beautiful!      

I took this photo yesterday and as I looked at it I just felt like it needed to have a quote with it.  As I thought about it I knew the prayer I have been saying my whole life would be perfect. Enjoy! 

I am trying to learn to use my Wacom tablet for drawing in photoshop.  I drew the bird above no less than 10 times and I am still not completely thrilled with it but it is better than the first one I drew.   By nature I am someone who has a million ideas, I think "I could do that!" and when I fail to meet my expectations I give up and try something else.  Around Christmas time last year I started to see a new possibility through my art. I realized the struggle and the working through was important and vital to the process. So many times I paint something and think "eh, I don't like how THAT turned out." And now instead of hanging my head I move on, I let it sit, I paint over it, I don't dwell. I am naturally creative but not naturally artistic...does that make sense? Being creative is part of me, the itch that keeps itching.  If time for creativity is lacking I get crabby. But being artistic, that is a muscle that needs to be worked. ...

I truly admire the way he is with the girls. He can play so no one feels left out. Where I struggle, he shines. This is the way he is, the way I have always known him to be. He is all inclusive, leaving no one on the sidelines. And I admire him year after year.

This is one of the moments I realized I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am living a beautiful dream.   I have been "working" on myself lately. Trying to breathe and lessen my anxiety over things that do not matter in the big picture. Taking time for me and not feeling guilty. Embracing the loving support I have from the people in my life, especially my husband. Searching for the reason behind some of my actions.  Knowing it's okay and good to ask for help sometimes. Trying to be people oriented not task oriented. Reveling in the wonder of my girls. Finding joy in the everyday moments. Realizing my thoughts of who I am supposed to be and who I am capable of being get in the way of who I am.   Growing is not constant and it does not come without pain, but it sure is good for the soul!

After the storm, comes enlightenment. And when the storm goes on for years, and then suddenly a moment of clarity comes, it is with greatest glory that the next moment is lived.  Like being reborn, given another chance to do right, to be love, to dance in the wonder of the world.

There are times when I resist what is. Sickness.  Someone dying.  A whining child. Could be anything...minor or major. Then I remember it is not me that wrote the plan.  But I do have the power to make choices. I like to choose gratitude.   Sometimes I just need a new way to arrive at being grateful. Something I came up with today was thinking about different body parts and remembering the things they have done.  Now, breathe....   Start with your feet. Close your eyes and think... Where have they walked, jumped, danced, hopped, biked... What things have they touched?  Carpet, sand, grass, spilled food, soft rocks, pointy rocks..   Next, close your eyes and think about your butt. Think of all the places you've sat.  Chairs, laps, blankets, grass, cars... Isn't it almost overwhelming!   Keep going. Where have your hands been?  What have they touched?  Whose hands have they held...

Part of me just really wanted her to stay a baby. I thought if I savor all the babyness THIS time, I can keep her a baby. But the time from infant in our arms to exploring everything went even faster this time around. As much as I love babies, I think I love toddlerhood a little more. The exploring and discovering.  The learning and figuring out. The joy! I know the tantrums will come and I will deal with those then. For now, the beautiful weather, freedom from constant holding and the joy of watching another baby grow into a toddler has my heart singing. Blessed to be here again.

Dear Daughter(s)-   I hope you learn at an early age that your beauty is in your spirit. It is in the way you treat others and yourself. It is in your laughter. It is in your wonder and curiosity. You are beautiful being you!   Love, Mom    

To transform, we must believe that something else exists. We must have faith.   It was so cool to see the cocoon one day and the following day the butterfly was walking around the garden learning about it's new legs and trying to fly.   

In the silence between the heartbeats I know it's not right. When I allow myself to think and feel for myself, I know it's not what I want for me, for them. I resisted for so long and then decided to join the norm. I loved it.  It became addicting. Often going through my day, narrating or thinking about what I can post to Facebook. A slippery slope. I pull back and then get called to it again. It's the collective conscience I believe. " Well so and so posts more pictures than I do" "They're doing it, so it's fine for me too." So I stop and think "Do I want my children to be known by the whole world of facebook?" "Do I want them to see me so distracted by a silly app on my phone, that I can't truly participate in the now?" "Is facebook serving me?" "Does it make my soul shine?" No.  No.  Sometimes.  No. It's weird when you run into a "facebook" friend and they know y...

The battle between "living in the moment" and "documenting for the future"  is a constant struggle for me. With a 3 year old and an almost 6 month old, I know how fast things change. I know that our time together is precious.  Stages don't last long.  They are learning to roll over and pretty soon they are crawling. Learning a few words to a song and pretty soon they know many songs and are even making up their own. I don't want to forget. I don't want the memory of how they were at each age pass. I want to hold on to their "littleness." So I struggle.  Do I embrace the moment and live in it or document it? Is a memory made better in the mind or with a camera? Well, it's both I guess. There are things that can't be captured with a camera. Like when my daughters hair smells like sunshine or the way it feels to hold my baby and have her head all nuzzled into my shoulder or when I hear the older one singing...

Four and a half years ago my husband and I were newlyweds living in an apartment and we had big dreams which included having a home based business for him and raising a family. My mom was living in a big house alone with more indoor and outdoor chores than one person could handle. We decided to move in with my mom. We started planning for our future and we were able to lessen the burden of chores for my mom. Next weekend she moves to her own place and we take on the house. This all comes with very mixed emotions.  It has been great to have my mother, who really is one of my best friends, right there to answer all those questions that every new mother has.  She has always been one of my best cheerleaders.   It has been such a blessing for my first daughter to grow up living with grandma the first couple years. We've shared meals and chores but most of all we have shared love and our lives for four and a half years. I am excited to raise my little ...