Story of Now

I am trying to learn to use my Wacom tablet for drawing in photoshop.  I drew the bird above no less than 10 times and I am still not completely thrilled with it but it is better than the first one I drew.   By nature I am someone who has a million ideas, I think "I could do that!" and when I fail to meet my expectations I give up and try something else.  Around Christmas time last year I started to see a new possibility through my art. I realized the struggle and the working through was important and vital to the process. So many times I paint something and think "eh, I don't like how THAT turned out." And now instead of hanging my head I move on, I let it sit, I paint over it, I don't dwell. I am naturally creative but not naturally artistic...does that make sense? Being creative is part of me, the itch that keeps itching.  If time for creativity is lacking I get crabby. But being artistic, that is a muscle that needs to be worked. ...

I truly admire the way he is with the girls. He can play so no one feels left out. Where I struggle, he shines. This is the way he is, the way I have always known him to be. He is all inclusive, leaving no one on the sidelines. And I admire him year after year.

This is one of the moments I realized I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am living a beautiful dream.   I have been "working" on myself lately. Trying to breathe and lessen my anxiety over things that do not matter in the big picture. Taking time for me and not feeling guilty. Embracing the loving support I have from the people in my life, especially my husband. Searching for the reason behind some of my actions.  Knowing it's okay and good to ask for help sometimes. Trying to be people oriented not task oriented. Reveling in the wonder of my girls. Finding joy in the everyday moments. Realizing my thoughts of who I am supposed to be and who I am capable of being get in the way of who I am.   Growing is not constant and it does not come without pain, but it sure is good for the soul!

After the storm, comes enlightenment. And when the storm goes on for years, and then suddenly a moment of clarity comes, it is with greatest glory that the next moment is lived.  Like being reborn, given another chance to do right, to be love, to dance in the wonder of the world.

There are times when I resist what is. Sickness.  Someone dying.  A whining child. Could be anything...minor or major. Then I remember it is not me that wrote the plan.  But I do have the power to make choices. I like to choose gratitude.   Sometimes I just need a new way to arrive at being grateful. Something I came up with today was thinking about different body parts and remembering the things they have done.  Now, breathe....   Start with your feet. Close your eyes and think... Where have they walked, jumped, danced, hopped, biked... What things have they touched?  Carpet, sand, grass, spilled food, soft rocks, pointy rocks..   Next, close your eyes and think about your butt. Think of all the places you've sat.  Chairs, laps, blankets, grass, cars... Isn't it almost overwhelming!   Keep going. Where have your hands been?  What have they touched?  Whose hands have they held...

Part of me just really wanted her to stay a baby. I thought if I savor all the babyness THIS time, I can keep her a baby. But the time from infant in our arms to exploring everything went even faster this time around. As much as I love babies, I think I love toddlerhood a little more. The exploring and discovering.  The learning and figuring out. The joy! I know the tantrums will come and I will deal with those then. For now, the beautiful weather, freedom from constant holding and the joy of watching another baby grow into a toddler has my heart singing. Blessed to be here again.

Dear Daughter(s)-   I hope you learn at an early age that your beauty is in your spirit. It is in the way you treat others and yourself. It is in your laughter. It is in your wonder and curiosity. You are beautiful being you!   Love, Mom    

To transform, we must believe that something else exists. We must have faith.   It was so cool to see the cocoon one day and the following day the butterfly was walking around the garden learning about it's new legs and trying to fly.   

In the silence between the heartbeats I know it's not right. When I allow myself to think and feel for myself, I know it's not what I want for me, for them. I resisted for so long and then decided to join the norm. I loved it.  It became addicting. Often going through my day, narrating or thinking about what I can post to Facebook. A slippery slope. I pull back and then get called to it again. It's the collective conscience I believe. " Well so and so posts more pictures than I do" "They're doing it, so it's fine for me too." So I stop and think "Do I want my children to be known by the whole world of facebook?" "Do I want them to see me so distracted by a silly app on my phone, that I can't truly participate in the now?" "Is facebook serving me?" "Does it make my soul shine?" No.  No.  Sometimes.  No. It's weird when you run into a "facebook" friend and they know y...

The battle between "living in the moment" and "documenting for the future"  is a constant struggle for me. With a 3 year old and an almost 6 month old, I know how fast things change. I know that our time together is precious.  Stages don't last long.  They are learning to roll over and pretty soon they are crawling. Learning a few words to a song and pretty soon they know many songs and are even making up their own. I don't want to forget. I don't want the memory of how they were at each age pass. I want to hold on to their "littleness." So I struggle.  Do I embrace the moment and live in it or document it? Is a memory made better in the mind or with a camera? Well, it's both I guess. There are things that can't be captured with a camera. Like when my daughters hair smells like sunshine or the way it feels to hold my baby and have her head all nuzzled into my shoulder or when I hear the older one singing...

Four and a half years ago my husband and I were newlyweds living in an apartment and we had big dreams which included having a home based business for him and raising a family. My mom was living in a big house alone with more indoor and outdoor chores than one person could handle. We decided to move in with my mom. We started planning for our future and we were able to lessen the burden of chores for my mom. Next weekend she moves to her own place and we take on the house. This all comes with very mixed emotions.  It has been great to have my mother, who really is one of my best friends, right there to answer all those questions that every new mother has.  She has always been one of my best cheerleaders.   It has been such a blessing for my first daughter to grow up living with grandma the first couple years. We've shared meals and chores but most of all we have shared love and our lives for four and a half years. I am excited to raise my little ...

I have learned so much already and still have plenty to learn.  I have a new appreciation for mothers of more than one child and a soft spot for mothers of one that have anxiety about having another. For myself, I did not expect to experience so much joy, at least not this early on.  I didn't think teaching my toddler about the baby would be so satisfying.  I thought I would feel lonely and depressed like I did the first time around, wasn't thinking that my toddler would be my daily entertainment and companion. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to give my baby the same attention that I gave my first.  I don't give the same attention, but that's okay this baby is going to be loved, entertained and taught, not only by her parents but her big sister too.  I realize it's okay to not hold the baby all day.  I realize we all have to have quite a bit of patience.  Sometimes the baby has to wait because the toddler needs a meal prepared or to use the...

I am sitting here with my daughter who is 2 1/2 and I am 2 weeks from my due date.  Another baby girl is going to enter my life, our lives.  I barely remember what I used to fill my days with before having Liberty and now that is all changing again.  There will probably come a time when I won't be able to remember what it's like with just one child.  I guess maybe that is how you build a happy life...accepting, growing, changing...so there is no need to look back and wonder.  I am anxious about how we are going to eat, sleep, play and function as our little family grows, but I am feeling up to the joy and challenge of it all.  So grateful that I have such a great and helpful husband, he really is the one to help me feel "normal" in my most challenging times.

Are there ever times when you think "I must remember to tell my child this when they are older." ?  The other day I thought, I have to remember to tell my children when they start driving that bridges tend to be the most slippery when it's wet out because they don't have the warmth of the earth like other roadways. It got me thinking that bridges are a transition from one side to the other and in life transitions can be slippery too.  So I will remind my children to approach life's transitions with gentle care. I will tell them that transitions are important and when handled with a direct yet gentle approach, they will arrive on the other side feeling accomplished and stronger.  When standing on a bridge, we often feel stuck like we need to continue to look at what's behind us and yet excited to see what the other side will bring.  We often try to rush through transitions (over bridges) instead of taking our time.  If we take...

Have you ever been in the city or other busy place and just paused?  And then suddenly you realize just how important everyone is.  You realize the significance of their role in making this whole world be what it is.  You realize that you are important and you have an overwhelming emotionally charged sense of gratitude for everything and everyone.  You realize that everything has its place and at any given time that placement is just perfect.  Things may not always be easy but you realize that is just part of the equation, part of the balance.   You feel a strong connection to everything and everyone.  And your heart is simply overwhelmed.  If you've ever felt it you know just how beautiful moments like those are and if you haven't yet then I hope you do someday. And I don't mean someday in the way it's often said. I mean someday real soon. Maybe even today.   Happy Thanksgiving to you!

  I took a class the other day and one of the ice breaker questions we needed to answer was "If you could be any age for the rest of your life, what age and why"   I honestly don't think there is an age I would want to be forever because I like the progression and learning and love that unfolds year after year.    I do however think I'd like to be 2, like my daughter, for about a week or so. I would love to experience the delight from her eyes, hear the conversations in her head about the unfolding world and understand her frustrations. What age would you choose to be for a day, week, or a lifetime?   

  With the anticipation of a second child, there is a little bit of confidence knowing that we have been through trials and errors with the first child.  Also the anxiety of being first time parents will be no more. Oh, but there are so many questions. How can I carry a two-year old, a newborn and a basket of laundry up a whole flight of stairs? How is #1 going to relate to and accept #2? How do I get both children into the cart at Target...do I put the rambunctious toddler in first or on second thought, do I let her walk along side the cart? Will I be able to spend one on one time with #2 like I do with #1? And this is only about 1/100th of the questions I think about daily. I know some of the questions seem rather ridiculous and have obvious answers but it does not mean they don't cross my mind. I am however excited to see the relationship that will grow between these two girls. I am excited to see the similarities and differences. I am ex...

The ever expanding dream. The one that begins and grows and changes. And as the dream changes, you change. And yet it all seems to be right and familiar. And though you don't choose the circumstances, somehow they've chosen you, like you are a piece to their puzzle. One dream develops and grows to accommodate the next one and on and on it goes. And suddenly you arrive at where you always imagined you'd be.    

    As the fog of the first trimester is lifted, I find myself again. I find myself reveling in the everyday joys and having energy to do things beyond what I need to do to get by. I find myself with my camera. I find myself with light feet and a busy, busy brain. I find myself lucky to be looking at 3 leaf clovers and enjoying God's beautiful creation. 

Dear Daughter- I love that you want to wear a dress for playing in the dirt. May you always keep a strong sense of self and throw the "norm" out the door. May you be respectful of rules but know when to break them! Keep your heart young, dear daughter of mine.   Love, Mom