Story of Now

Dear Daughter(s)-   Though there will surely be times in your life when things seem glum, I hope the child-like feelings of being free and happy in your very real imaginary land carry you through. May your resilience be your strength, and knowing deep within be your wings.   Love, Mom

Autumn is my favorite season. The colors, jeans and sweatshirt weather, bonfires, comfort food, the smell of the air, the way the sun shines, crunching through the leaves, even the anticipation of the coming holidays. I wish it could last for half a year. But it doesn't.   So, the next best thing to having it actually last that long is to live it and capture it.   I love to capture the beauty up close. Seeing the symmetrical and asymmetrical, the lines and curves, the gradient of color, the way every little detail makes the whole beautiful!      

I took this photo yesterday and as I looked at it I just felt like it needed to have a quote with it.  As I thought about it I knew the prayer I have been saying my whole life would be perfect. Enjoy! 

I am trying to learn to use my Wacom tablet for drawing in photoshop.  I drew the bird above no less than 10 times and I am still not completely thrilled with it but it is better than the first one I drew.   By nature I am someone who has a million ideas, I think "I could do that!" and when I fail to meet my expectations I give up and try something else.  Around Christmas time last year I started to see a new possibility through my art. I realized the struggle and the working through was important and vital to the process. So many times I paint something and think "eh, I don't like how THAT turned out." And now instead of hanging my head I move on, I let it sit, I paint over it, I don't dwell. I am naturally creative but not naturally artistic...does that make sense? Being creative is part of me, the itch that keeps itching.  If time for creativity is lacking I get crabby. But being artistic, that is a muscle that needs to be worked.

I truly admire the way he is with the girls. He can play so no one feels left out. Where I struggle, he shines. This is the way he is, the way I have always known him to be. He is all inclusive, leaving no one on the sidelines. And I admire him year after year.

This is one of the moments I realized I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am living a beautiful dream.   I have been "working" on myself lately. Trying to breathe and lessen my anxiety over things that do not matter in the big picture. Taking time for me and not feeling guilty. Embracing the loving support I have from the people in my life, especially my husband. Searching for the reason behind some of my actions.  Knowing it's okay and good to ask for help sometimes. Trying to be people oriented not task oriented. Reveling in the wonder of my girls. Finding joy in the everyday moments. Realizing my thoughts of who I am supposed to be and who I am capable of being get in the way of who I am.   Growing is not constant and it does not come without pain, but it sure is good for the soul!

After the storm, comes enlightenment. And when the storm goes on for years, and then suddenly a moment of clarity comes, it is with greatest glory that the next moment is lived.  Like being reborn, given another chance to do right, to be love, to dance in the wonder of the world.

There are times when I resist what is. Sickness.  Someone dying.  A whining child. Could be anything...minor or major. Then I remember it is not me that wrote the plan.  But I do have the power to make choices. I like to choose gratitude.   Sometimes I just need a new way to arrive at being grateful. Something I came up with today was thinking about different body parts and remembering the things they have done.  Now, breathe....   Start with your feet. Close your eyes and think... Where have they walked, jumped, danced, hopped, biked... What things have they touched?  Carpet, sand, grass, spilled food, soft rocks, pointy rocks..   Next, close your eyes and think about your butt. Think of all the places you've sat.  Chairs, laps, blankets, grass, cars... Isn't it almost overwhelming!   Keep going. Where have your hands been?  What have they touched?  Whose hands have they held? What have they done?   Move to your mouth. Wha

Part of me just really wanted her to stay a baby. I thought if I savor all the babyness THIS time, I can keep her a baby. But the time from infant in our arms to exploring everything went even faster this time around. As much as I love babies, I think I love toddlerhood a little more. The exploring and discovering.  The learning and figuring out. The joy! I know the tantrums will come and I will deal with those then. For now, the beautiful weather, freedom from constant holding and the joy of watching another baby grow into a toddler has my heart singing. Blessed to be here again.