In the silence between the heartbeats
I know it's not right.
When I allow myself to think and feel
for myself, I know it's
not what I want for me, for them.
I resisted for so long
and then decided to join the norm.
I loved it. It became addicting.
Often going through my day, narrating or thinking
about what I can post to Facebook.
A slippery slope.
I pull back and then get called to it again.
It's the collective conscience I believe.
" Well so and so posts more pictures than I do"
"They're doing it, so it's fine for me too."
So I stop and think
"Do I want my children to be known by the whole world of facebook?"
"Do I want them to see me so distracted by a silly app on my phone, that
I can't truly participate in the now?"
"Is facebook serving me?"
"Does it make my soul shine?"
No. No. Sometimes. No.
It's weird when you run into a "facebook" friend and they
know your childs name. I can not undo what I have already shared though.
Facebook is too distracting when it's at my fingertips in every
breathing, waking moment.
I love connecting with others but honestly would rather
talk or see them in person.
My soul is none the better because of Facebook.
I think my soul has actually suffered a bit.
I am hopeful that my spirit can relax.
That I won't "need" to be constantly connected.
That I can once again be silent and be okay.
Four and a half years ago my husband and I were newlyweds living in an apartment and we had big dreams which included having a home based business for him and raising a family.
My mom was living in a big house alone with more indoor and outdoor chores than one person could handle.
We decided to move in with my mom.
We started planning for our future and we were able to lessen the burden of chores for my mom.
Next weekend she moves to her own place and we take on the house. This all comes with very mixed emotions. It has been great to have my mother, who really is one of my best friends, right there to answer all those questions that every new mother has. She has always been one of my best cheerleaders.
It has been such a blessing for my first daughter to grow up living with grandma the first couple years.
We've shared meals and chores but most of all we have shared love and our lives for four and a half years.
I am excited to raise my little family in this home, but we are going to miss her presence here.
I am so happy that she isn't moving too far away.
I pray that my daughter transitions well.
I know it will be an adjustment for everyone and that in the end we will all blossom.
I have learned so much already and still have plenty to learn. I have a new appreciation for mothers of more than one child and a soft spot for mothers of one that have anxiety about having another.
For myself, I did not expect to experience so much joy, at least not this early on. I didn't think teaching my toddler about the baby would be so satisfying. I thought I would feel lonely and depressed like I did the first time around, wasn't thinking that my toddler would be my daily entertainment and companion.
I was worried that I wouldn't be able to give my baby the same attention that I gave my first. I don't give the same attention, but that's okay this baby is going to be loved, entertained and taught, not only by her parents but her big sister too. I realize it's okay to not hold the baby all day.
I realize we all have to have quite a bit of patience. Sometimes the baby has to wait because the toddler needs a meal prepared or to use the bathroom. Sometimes the toddler has to wait because momma doesn't have two hands to help. Sometimes momma just needs to take a deep breath and realize that this crazy moment shall pass too. Being a little more tolerant of toddlerisms has helped. I know that when I stay calm we have a much smoother day and I try not to make little things into big things. I try to occasionally say yes to some of the things that I normally wouldn't (like microwave popcorn at 2 in the afternoon). I actually have started to understand the benefit of noticing the good behavior and complimenting it. I know that the baby will be okay if she cries a little while I finish something else.
I feel we are more of a family. It's like everything we do and decision we make has to be the best for everyone. I feel more confident in caring for this baby. I feel like being a mom of 2 makes me feel more complete.
I am sitting here with my daughter who is 2 1/2 and I am 2 weeks from my due date. Another baby girl is going to enter my life, our lives. I barely remember what I used to fill my days with before having Liberty and now that is all changing again. There will probably come a time when I won't be able to remember what it's like with just one child. I guess maybe that is how you build a happy life...accepting, growing, changing...so there is no need to look back and wonder. I am anxious about how we are going to eat, sleep, play and function as our little family grows, but I am feeling up to the joy and challenge of it all. So grateful that I have such a great and helpful husband, he really is the one to help me feel "normal" in my most challenging times.
Are there ever times when you think "I must remember to tell my child this when they
are older." ? The other day I thought, I have to remember to tell my children when they start driving that bridges tend to be the most slippery when it's wet out because they don't have the warmth of the earth like other roadways.
It got me thinking that bridges are a transition from one side to the other and in life
transitions can be slippery too.
So I will remind my children to approach life's transitions with gentle care.
I will tell them that transitions are important and when handled with a direct yet gentle approach, they will arrive on the other side feeling accomplished and stronger.
When standing on a bridge, we often feel stuck like we need to continue to look at what's behind us and yet excited to see what the other side will bring. We often try to rush through transitions (over bridges) instead of taking our time. If we take our time, we will reap the benefits of learning important lessons and we will arrive safely at our destination.